SOS David Erik Jones
It is never easy to overcome an addiction. Yet, some addictions are more taboo than others and carry their own stigma…and that makes them that much more difficult to deal with. That is the way I felt about my addiction to pornography, I was too ashamed to admit I had a problem. I didn’t want anyone to know what I was doing in secret.
I had been hiding in the dark for a long time, my first exposure to pornography occurred when I was only eight years old. The frequency and intensity of my struggle with sexual sin only increased year by year. I was eventually consumed by lust, driven to behave in ways I never dreamed I would, and afraid I would be swept away altogether.
I tried repeatedly to overcome my addiction on my own. I truly thought that I could overpower it, just as I had participated in it . . . .alone! I thought sheer will-power and discipline was all I need to defeat my enemy.
But, every time I failed I was driven deeper into the darkness, more hopeless than the time before. Knowing I was wrong, knowing I was sinning, knowing I was lying to my wife and causing harm to my marriage; all the while hungering for more. Ashamed, alone, and so afraid of being found out, I covered my tracks as carefully as I could, praying no one would ever find out who I really was.
Having become a Christian at the age of sixteen, I knew God had saved me through my faith in Jesus. But, I did not understand how His love, power, and grace could set me free from my use of pornography. No one had ever addressed this issue in a sermon or youth class. I never heard another man admit to his own struggle with porn, I truly believed I was the only one dealing with this problem.
I also thought that God hated me. That He could not really love me because of my addiction. I knew Jesus had died for my sins, but I felt rejected by God for my inability to be holy.
By His grace and mercy, the Lord began to show me that His love for me was not based upon my performance. It was not based upon my ability to avoid sin. It was not based upon anything other than His nature…which is love.
He also helped me to see that I was not alone, that other men and women were dealing with the same types of issues that I was. He even helped me to see that some of the great men of the Bible had to deal with lust.
Furthermore, the Lord helped me to see that He did not want to reject me because of my sin; rather, He wanted to help me break free, so that He could use me for good works.
As these truths began to develop inside, and my knowledge of God’s love, power, and grace grew, I also realized that I had to come clean with my wife. I could not defeat this beast on my own, I needed help!
I cannot lie and say that everything went as planned. I will not pretend and say my wife was overjoyed with my confession. But, I can say that her love and devotion has been an incredible help in my battle. She has become an invaluable source of help, hope, and accountability.
I have also learned to reach out to other men who understand where I am coming from. I have truly been blown away by the number of guys who are dealing with the same problems I am. When we open up and share our hearts and experiences with each other, it helps. Knowing others have overcome their addictions, hearing stories of restoration and victory, and being encouraged with scripture and practical tips have all empowered me.
My flesh is still tempted, just as an alcoholic or drug addicted is tempted, but I have learned to stand firm in Christ. With the love, grace, and power of God within me, I am able to resist my flesh. The help and encouragement of my wife and friends continues to motivate me and inspire me to remain strong.
In the shadows I was a weak man who was easily defeated. But in the Light, I am a man of God who is able to walk in victory!
